I’ve been walking a hard road lately. For those of you who are new here, my 21-month old son, Liam, has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. And epilepsy too. They may or may not be related. Thankfully the tumor is benign, and seems to be operable. So I’m walking him down the road to brain surgery. And every time they do an IV or draw blood I ache for him. He doesn’t understand why he has to be poked, prodded, and stuck. And nothing I do will make the hurt go away.
The first thing I lost was self-reliance. It’s hard to let go of. I’m used to being able to do things myself, fix things myself… But there are some things I can’t do. And it forces me to depend on the One who shapes the mountains and sets the stars in the sky. And that’s a good thing.
My next source for someone to depend on? Hubby. In all my emotionalism, he’s the one who stands firm. He helps me put things in perspective. But when Liam’s diagnosis came, he was in Moscow. I wondered why God would give me this news while I was alone. But it hit me like a rock, almost instantly. Because my husband can’t be my rock. There’s only one Rock of my foundation, and He can’t be replaced. And in the days that my hubby was gone, I learned the hard way how to depend only on Him.
As if I wasn’t lonely enough, my best friend closed on her house that week and left for Texas. With her 4 girls – two of whom are my kids’ best friends. And I wondered again, why, Lord, now? And the answer came back. Again. Kathy, my sweet child, so you’ll depend on Me. And dependence on Me will be exactly what you need.
It worked. With my ever-familiar crutches gone. I learned to depend on Him like never before. And it was indeed sweet. Have you ever tasted wild grapes? The kind that no one cares for? They flower. They’re full of color. They’re beautiful. But often dry and bitter. If you want sweet, juicy grapes, they have to be pruned. The flowers removed. Shoots trimmed off – even productive ones sometimes. The good has to make way for the great.
Our first trial – coping with seizures and the news of a tumor – is done. And we’ve come through it weaker – that is, knowing our weakness more fully and depending on a source of strength greater than we’ve ever known. But that is exactly how we become strong. It is also where God is glorified. Tomorrow we meet the neurosurgeon. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m very happy that I’ve tested how to rely on God alone. I’ve figured out that I can trust Him when circumstances are hard. And that will carry me through what’s to come.